Drunk Hagrid Demented
by londonslattern
Summary: the sexy secret life of Hagrid! Don't read this if you're not incredibly twisted. This is going to be a very VERY disturbing tale of the secret life of Rubeus Hagrid
1. Chapter 1

**Hagrid's inner evil**

**The sun was setting behinds Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry; Hagrid had just sat down to dinner near the window so he could appreciate the scenery. Yeah, Hagrid was drunk... again. Although most students at Hogwarts thought Hagrid liked to enjoy a drink every now and again, the teachers knew better. Hagrid was a raging alcoholic. He had been attending AA meetings in Hogsmeade for years, but he could not master himself. Not only was Hagrid a complete drunk, he was also a raving lunatic. No, he was not in Azkaban because people thought he opened to chamber of secrets, it was because he ate another student.**

**And now he was worse. He was seriously considering cooking and eating ... Harry Potter.**

**Hagrid stood up and cleared away his plate. Only the feathers were left of the owl that he devoured in seconds. He picked up one of the snowy white feathers and realized that it was Hedwig. Oops. 'Oh well,' he thought 'Hedwig tastes so good!'**

**Hagrid went to the window and closed the blinds - he didn't want anyone to know what he was about to do. He went to the closet and pulled out an evening gown. He let the silky red fabric run through his fingers and then he rubbed it over his skin. He quickly undressed and then stuffed his enormous body into the gown, hastily trying to zip it up even though it was clearly ten sizes too small. **

**He admired himself in the mirror, a beautiful red dress on his body. His hair was poking out from everywhere, great tufts of tangled black fur. He again returned to the closet and pulled out the stunning high heeled shoes that he stole from Hogsmeade earlier and then strapped them to his feet. He could only fit one toe inside, but he felt so beautiful, so perfect. **

**But then again he was really shitfaced and could hardly see or stand, so he couldn't be sure the outfit was really working for him.**

**There was only one thing left to do. He turned around to see how his butt looked. To his horror it looked terribly fat. In fact, he looked damn near obese! He began to cry, flinging his body to the ground.**

**"I'm FAT!" he roared. He could hear the thestrals take off in flight because of his horrible shouting, even a few lights in the castle turned on. Now that the sun had gone down, Hagrid thought maybe it would be okay to ask a creature in the forest how he looked in his 'sexy' outfit. Hmm... come to think of it, he really had the urge to have sex with aragog. Mmmm those eight beady eyes, those long hairy legs, that deep rumbling voice, his muscular physique...**

**Oh wait, Hagrid suddenly remembered ... Aragog's dead. **

**He couldn't take it anymore. His life-long lover had died, he would never again enjoy nighttime stolls with Aragog, never have tea parties together, never lie in bed together and talk about politics and romantic movies like Titanic. **

**Hagrid picked up a bottle of Odgen's Old Firewhiskey and uncorked it. He tilted it back into his mouth and drained the whole thing. He could feel the heat coursing through him. He felt strangely powerful, he wanted to hurt something. He could feel it coming... the madness, the horror within.**

**He decided he was going to walk his fat ass into the forest. First he wanted to make sure he looked totally cute in his evening gown, and then he wanted to **_**kill. To taste blood...**_

**But first he picked up his new Cosmopolitan magazine that had just come by owl post. He was learning so much! **_**How to look Hot Naked, How to Find You Pleasure Zone; **_**it was all so amazing! He attempted to read a few pointers about pleasing others in bed (just in case he ran into one of Aragog's many kids), but then realized he was waaaaaayyyyyyyy too drunk to read anything at all. Oh well, at least he could still see well enough to smear a shocking pink lipstick across his chapped lips and spray on some perfume. He felt like supermodel ... but in his drunken stupor he didn't realize that he DEFINITELY didn't look like one. **

**But it didn't matter, he felt glamorous. He felt ready.**

**He grabbed his purse and walked out of his hut, into the darkness of the forbidden forest.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter II - All You Need is Love**

**The woods were cold, even the moon was covered by a misty gray fog and all the warmth of the day seemed to have been sucked away by the darkness. Hagrid walked on, right toward the center of the forest where he thought he would encounter some creatures. After stumbling along through vines and branches for what seemed like hours (it's hard, afterall, to walk in high heels), Hagrid finally heard noises up ahead. **

**It sounded like moaning. The ground was rumbling slightly.**

**Suddenly he saw it. Grawp. 'Of course.' thought Hagrid. He should have known he would be seeing Grawp in the forest. Recently his younger brother had become a male prostitute. Hagrid was disappointed in him at first, but then realized that it was Grawp's only way of feeling loved and wanted. After Hagrid brought him home with him to live in the forest, he had spent most of his time terrorizing the local creatures. True, Grawp was removed from his home and thrust into a foreign land, but Hagrid didn't care. In fact, Hagrid had not 'rescued' him and 'tried to give him a better life' like he had told professor Dumbledore and Harry Potter, but he had kidnapped Grawp in order to try to make him his sex slave. **

**But Grawp had refused, he had even pretended like he was mentally subnormal and didn't speak english, just to get Hagrid to stop molesting him in the night. Finally Hagrid had deemed him as being useless and tried to dispose of him. He tried to push him in the lake and have the giant squid drown him, but Grawp had survived. Though physically sound, his mind was broken ... he had been tormented so much by Hagrid, he had felt such an absense of love...**

**Finally Grawp had decided to change himself, he wanted to look good, he wanted to find a lover. He needed someone to grow close to, someone to rescue him from the madness that Hagrid drove into him. He spent months working out, lifting boulders by day (in order to tone his biceps) and doing crunches with a few of the local centaurs. Sometimes he'd hang out with Bane (the leader of the centaurs) and they'd go jogging up and down a few of the worn down trails, but eventually Bane tried to get Grawp to smoke crack with him, and Grawp had to abandon the centaur clan because they embraced an unhealthy lifestyle.**

**But now Grawp was in shape, he was tan and muscular (he had been using a tanning potion that forced a few first years into buying for him in Hogsmeade), his skin was even smoother and his new colored contacts made his eyes a shocking blue. There was no denying it ... Grawp was **_**hot**_

**Even though he was now extremely attractive, there was still a gaping hole in his heart. The absense of love, the extended periods of neglect, all of it was driving him mad. He was so depressed, almost suicidal. He considered overdosing on essense of murtlap a few times, but then he reconsidered. In the middle of the night it came to him... he knew the solution. He would become a male prostitute.**

**Since that night his life changed, but definitely for the better. He had been seeing a few of the unicorns in the forest - though they were both 'happily' married with kids, they wanted someone to be intimate with on the side. Sirgen, a very toned male unicorn, had become very close with Grawp over the past few months. There wasn't a week that went by that they didn't see each other ... they had even said 'I love you.' Slowly the hole in Grawps heart from all the torment he endured was closing, he was beginning to feel again. He was beginning to know the joys of the love he had never known.**

**And, besides that, the sex was really good. Sirgen definitely knew how to use his horn to his advantage. He could do very 'magical' things with it in very 'magical' places. Most nights they would make sweet love under the stars and Sirgen would neigh sweet nothings in Grawps giant ear. They were strangely beautiful together - Sirgen's four legs spread out, Grawps giant 10 foot mass gently kissing every inch of his furry being, entwined under the midnight sky.**

**The fact that Hagrid knew that Grawp was happy was what infuriated him. He had, afterall, brought him home because he wanted to have a sex slave. But no, Grawp was a brat and didn't want to do it. Hagrid didn't see why not. He thought his plan would work perfectly ... he thought he could convince Grawp that it was normal for wizards (or half-wizards) to have slaves, but Grawp figured it out and left him. Yet again, Hagrid had been left.**

**A few tears trickled out of Hagrid's eye as he watched Grawp and Sirgen make love. They seemed so happy ... they definitely sounded so happy. The tears slowly fell down Hagrid's cheek and dripped onto his beautiful red gown, dark blotches from the wetness appearing all around the place where the bosom should be. Suddenly Hagrid felt it - he felt the sudden pain in his heart that he knew was loneliness. In his first sober thought of the evening, Hagrid realized what he needed was love. **

**Well, at least he needed to make love. Plus, he was really drunk, so it'd definitely be a good time.**

**He was now on a mission. He needed to find someone. He needed someone now. Every inch of his body was yearning for pleasure and he remembered those Cosmopolitan articles. He now had so many tricks up his sleeve, he knew he wouldn't be a disappointment in bed.**

**But who would he find? He knew in his heart who he wanted it to be ... he could feel it in his groin when he thought about them.**

**He turned and looked back up at Hogwarts castle. He scanned the building and then saw what he was looking for ...**

**The light of the Gryffindor common room was on**


	3. Chapter 3

**It was as though Hagrid's mind had shut down and his heart had taken over. He was stumbling wildly through the forest, eyes gazing the whole time at the gently glowing light in the top right-hand corner of the castle. Although Grawp and Sirgen were now out of earshot, the memory of their love making was etched into Hagrid's mind. The happiness was undeniable, the sounds of pleasure were so intense ... it was exactly what Hagrid needed in his life, it was exactly what he had always been missing.**

**True, he had found a lover in Aragog, but there were so many things that Aragog was missing. Hagrid loved when Aragog would talk dirty to him and their extremely passionate sex, but Aragog did not know of the outside world. He had lived in a box as a youth, back in the days when Hogwarts feared any creature that might have escaped from the bowels of the Chamber of Secrets. **

**So Hagrid had hidden him away, only opening the box every fortnight for Aragog to feed on a rotting corpse from the Hogsmeade cemetery. Yes, Aragog had developed into a very fine and sensual looking spider after devouring a couple of bodies, including several deceased Hogwarts professors and Moaning Myrtle. He had grown tremendously though, and Hagrid had to move him from the tiny confines of the box. In the middle of one chilly February night, Hagrid had put him in a sack and carried him deep within the forest. When Aragog was removed from the sack, it had been in the darkness of the night, no village in sight, no castle ... just the blackness of the woods. **

**Aragog had known nothing of the world in which Hagrid lived. He knew not of magic, of wizard-kind, of the hidden passageways in Hogwarts, of politics and the Dark Lord, or of Hagrid's favorite suject: Harry Potter. Although Hagrid couldn't deny the sexual pleasure he had grown to love with Aragog, the conversation was so incredibly lacking. Most of the time Hagrid found himself talking into the late hours of the night, having heart-felt and tear-evoking conversations about life-changing events, only to find Aragog passed out beside him (for Aragog was also a chronic alcoholic). In fact, Aragog was the one who got Hagrid started on the booze.**

**Hagrid could remember one sleepy night when his body was craving sex. He remembered walking out of his hut and meandering into the forest, his body aching for Aragog's. He remembered when he arrived, how he had seen Aragog rubbing three of his legs on a wild thestral, how he had heard the moaning that later haunted him for years. Hagrid had let out a scream, yelling that he had been the one to raise Aragog from infancy and the least he could do was be faithful boyfriend. And Aragog, so tormented by Hagrid's grief, had given him a bottle of Firewhiskey and a few butterbeers, and Hagrid practically forgot the night after that. Yeah, Hagrid could remember actually being **_**turned on **_**by the fact that Aragog and the thestral were hooking up, and had even asked the thestral to come back and join them for a threesome. Hagrid's hormones raged when he was drunk, he was merely a walking, talking sex-addict. When he was drunk he didn't care what was happening or what had happened, he just knew that he needed pleasure...**

**But Hagrid had matured since Aragog's untimely death; he no longer wanted someone to just have wild drunken sex with, he wanted someone to share his heart and soul with him. And for that he needed someone who was just like him, a boy who had been orphaned, who know what it was like to be an outcast, who had been there for Hagrid every step of the way... a boy who Hagrid had helped to mature from young boy to young adult...**

**He could remember the day he had first met him...**

**Harry Potter. The Boy Who Lived.**

**Hagrid could feel a hard lump in the front of his ruby red dress. Yes, his mind casually drifted back to that fateful night. The mist surrounded him, the waves crashed on the jagged cliffs near the hut perched amid the rocks in the icy ocean water. Hagrid had knocked on the door, knocked so hard it crashed to the floor. And what he saw was breathtaking. A beautiful young boy with jet black hair and shocking green eyes, standing in the corner but standing tall, for he was not afraid of Hagrid. Oh yes, the boy **_**did**_** have courage. He had even approached Hagrid, he had asked questions about magic, about being a wizard. It had been Hagrid who was given the honor of telling the Boy-Who-Lived that he was a wizard, a famous wizard, who had survived the killing curse. It had been he who watched Harry Potter's priceless expression as his eyes first focused on the wonders of Diagon Alley, as he saw his pile of gold in the underground labyrinth of Gringotts. Hagrid sighed at the memory, at the mental image of Harry's gorgeous smile as he discovered who he truly was, as he discovered his destiny.**

**And how he had grown since then! The lump pressed harder against the gown's fabric as thoughts of Harry danced in his mind. He imagined Harry fighting Quirrell for the Sorceror's Stone, he could see him in the Chamber of Secrets, denying Tom Riddle of the opportunity to kill him. He could see Harry and Sirius Black (although this was accompanied by a horrible pang of jealousy), he could imagine Harry fighting Voldemort in the graveyard in Little Hangleton...**

**Not only was Harry basically royalty in Hagrid's eyes, he was so **_**fine**_**! Hagrid loved to watch Harry in the Quidditch pitch, his muscles flexed as he went in for a dive after the golden snitch. He loved watching his legs clutch desperately onto the broom as he soared in midair, reaching out an arm to make a save. Hagrid loved to pull out his binoculars and salivate and he imagined that his dick was the broom, and Harry was desperate to remain sitting on it...**

**Hagrid was now at the very edge of the forest, he was walking onto the sweeping grounds in front of the Hogwarts castle. **

**But suddenly, without a moment's warning, Hagrid flung himself on the ground and began to vomit horribly. Dear god, he needed more liquor. His body needed the taste, he needed the sweet, sweet taste upon his tongue. He clutched at the ground wildly and began to pull his body toward his hut. He could hear Fang's booming barks echoing in the stillness of the night air, the sound feeling like it was ripping at his eardrums. He managed to make it to the watering barrel next to his hut that he said was for the 'hippogriffs,' but in reality it was full of Vodka. Hagrid had figured the since vodka was clear and didn't smell too strongly, that none of the students would recognize it for what it was. And thank god he had thought of it, for his body was aching from the hour-long absence of alcohol.**

**After taking several long gulps of vodka, Hagrid warily stood and attempted to straighten out his outfit. He looked down at himself, a great lump still towering between his legs. 'Shit' he thought to himself. He wanted to play it cool, he wanted Harry to **_**want him**_**, not just overpower Harry and force him to have sex with him. He cleaned off some of the dirt from his gown and rubbed the vomit off his face and into his wirey beard. He looked at his reflection in the vodka barrel and he felt so proud and womanly. His lipstick, although specked with chunks of puke, was still on ... his purse was still full of the necessary things: lube, a few galleons for a hotel room if he needed it, a condom, and a **_**Playwizard**_** magazine. Perfect!**

**Oh, Hagrid remembered one last thing. He ran inside and grabbed a bottle of firewhiskey, then headed out into the crisp night air. He walked crookedly up to the castle doors (he had, afterall, chugged about two bottles of 100 proof alcohol), and he walked inside. His heart was racing as he climbed the steps up to the seventh floor...**

**He kept repeating the same thing over and over in his head... **_**"He wants me. I'm sexy. He wants me. I'm sexy. He wants me. I'm sexy."**_

**The paintings on the stairway watched him, whispering to each other and moving from portrait to portrait. But he didn't care. He couldn't care in the slightest.**

**Why? Because tonight was the night when two become one.**

**He found himself standing in front of the Gryffindor common room. The fat lady lay snoring in her sleep, Hagrid leaned close and stroked her cheek. She looked up at him and blushed, but then realized what was happening and began to scream. Hagrid grabbed a knife out of his bra and shoved it into her heart and then jammed it into her brain, lady Violet's color slowly fading from her plump face as blood gushed out of her wounds. Hagrid clumsily felt for the side of the portrait and then pulled it open, revealed a slender passageway to the warmly lit common room.**

**Although Hagrid's eyes were blurry due to his intoxication, he could see what looked like an angel sitting in an armchair at the end of the tunnel.**

**He felt like he had died and gone to heaven, Harry's face buried in a book was set amid diffused golden light.**

**Hagrid slowly walked toward the light.**


End file.
